I don’t know why I feel like this but imagine this:
I use to be in love with a man that didn’t give me anything, I was doing all the sacrifices and make all the compromising, until one day he went away to his home country and then we tried to work out a long distance relationship, until it is my turn to go join him. I was all excited and happy that we will get married, I was trying to take care of my health; working out every morning to shape my body and be wedding dress proof, the surprise came 2 months after he left, he started acting weird and talking strange, I know it when something is not right, so I asked him if something was wrong and for a while he said nothing is wrong and that it is all work stress, but still things didn’t seem right, until one day I just got angry and told him that I know; I know something is going on and I asked the classical question, “ did you meet someone?” and he said yes but he is not in love with her, he just slept with her, I tried to give myself all the excuses ever to forgive him, I was devastated and felt awful, and I just couldn’t handle it and I left him, he accused me of being cold and not worthy. Maybe he is right!!
At the time I was with him, I actually found my dream job, I was employed by a company that had a lot to offer me, good job, good salary and lots of good experience, and within my devastation I tried to keep myself together, so one person who worked with me was being a friend and stood closer to me, “P” made me feel worthy again, and gave me all the friend support, he was there to give a hug when I needed and was there when I needed advice, even just to sit and talk, I don’t know maybe the loneliness or the need of closeness, that made me feel something for him, but I started to want him so bad. He had everything that I ever wanted in a man, but he was still the wrong man, he calls me special and he says “I love you” every time we talk, I maybe knew it is just a good friends love what he meant, but it had something stronger than that. and because he had a family; two wonderful children and a wife, he couldn’t allow himself more, as a person who gives compromises, I was ready to settle for the good friend position, but the time came for him to say goodbye as well, he said that we were friends and connected forever. I miss him so much today after 2 months even if we meet online almost every day. but he started to take me for granted and not paying attention anymore, I wish one day he comes looking for me, although he never did, I was the one who always went looking for him.
Today, one lady that always acts like she hated “P” and who also knew that I loved him, calls me to say that she will be travelling and then asked me if I knew where she was going, not knowing I obviously said NO and she said she is going where he is today, and asked me if I wanted to send him something, I said “ No, just give him a hug for me” , I am not even sure I was supposed to do that. It hurts so much and I don’t even know why?
Why I never get what I want, my love life sucks and it is effecting everything.
MB
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